There is nothing greater for a parent, grand parent, uncle, cousin, or whomever has children to love and nurture to attend the first ballet recital, the t-ball game, the hockey game, the track meet or swimming meet. Great moments in a child's life and adult lives happen in these events everyday, every where in the world. The ball game, hockey game, recital, those first human performance events that influence and shape lives are precious and great places to learn so many things about oneself and how to not only live but also prosper with others. They can be a great builder of young people or unfortunately if the mindset is wrong the experience can be so negative some children never want to participate again. What follows not only improves the experience for those who are having the time of their lives but it also takes the negative child's experience and turns it into a wonderful experience. If you think this sounds to good to be true, please read on. The edge I want to share will empower the child for the rest of his or her life and make the parents life a joy as the child grows.
How many times have you gone to an event to hear someone cheer for a youngster and proclaim, "come on Johnny, hit a home run." Or, "Betty we are counting on you to win the game." I can't tell you the number of times I have experienced this with my own children and grandchildren. Of course this is dangerous. It's all or nothing.
I saw my youngest son do exactly as a parent asked. Come on Brian, hit a homerun. You can do it. And by golly he did. Big celebration at home plate and it was exciting. Next time up, come on Brian hit another homerun. Guess what, strike out. Then another and then another and pretty soon out came the lower lip and down went the shoulders. You could see the terrible disappointment. It was time to give Brian the edge.
After the game and at home in the back yard Brian and I had a talk. Here is what was said.
"Brian, tell me what you can manage."
"What do you mean dad?"
"Tell me what you can control."
"Tell me what you can control when you are at bat."
"Brian thought deeply, his face turned a little and again asked, "what do you mean dad?"
"Well, do you throw the ball for the pitcher?"
"No."
"Do you know if it is going to be a strike you can hit?"
"No."
"So, what can you control?"
"Well, I know where to stand."
"Good, what else?"
"Well, I bend my knees and I know how to hold the bat."
"Now your cooking Bri, what else?"
"Well, I know to see the ball all the way to the bat when I swing and I know to lock my head so it doesn't move and I know to keep my weight back like we practice."
"Excellent, now what happens when you do all these things perfectly?"
"Well, sometimes I hit it really hard and sometimes I don't."
"So, what can you control?"
His face lit up and a big smile came bursting out. "Dad, I can only control what I do. I can work real hard on setting goals for what I do with my swing."
"Right," I smiled. "And you can control your thoughts at the plate. How you think and what you are thinking of when you are up there is important also. You can control your activity and your behavior. What you do, your activity and your behavior how you think. Now you have a practice plan made of goals of what you can control. You practice all the activity goals properly and you have good coaching to teach you the very best way to do the activity and you dedicate yourself to getting better at what you can control. Now that is fun."
Every human performance event is the same.
Every child no matter their age can perform at the highest levels of any human performance event only when they learn to manage what they can control. When a child learns that, the results will come.
I'm not sure if it's because we get tired of getting beaten up or if we suddenly wake up one morning and it's staring us straight in the eye that life is short, too short to play around with. Well I am not sure of the exact date, but, there came a defining moment in life when I realized that "no" had so much more value than a "yes." In fact, it wasn't long after that I realized "no" is the safest possible answer in so many high risk decisions.
I love to tell the story of one of my good friends I flew with that illustrates this so well. Here are Barney's words. "We had just completed our bomb run over Hanoi and were outbound when we had a couple of Sam's blow up close to us. Almost immediately, it sounded like a fire house with the bells going off from the engine fire detection system and, with all the red fire lights lit up, it looked like a Christmas tree in the cockpit. We had 5 engines on fire at the same time. My co-pilot immediately said we have to fight the fires and I said no, let'em burn. My co-pilot turned and look at me and wanted to know if I was crazy. Again I said no, I just wanted to use those engines to get us out over the ocean since they were still running. If we were going to have to jump out, I wanted to do it over the water where our guys could pick us up. Those engines could burn off for all I cared."
Now Barney's story is a great example of "no" being the best possible answer in a high risk arena. Although the warnings were going off and it was a chaotic situation, he was still flying, and by saying "no," he maintained the status quo. If he shuts those engines down, he is no longer flying. Now does that mean he won't reevaluate? Of course not, but by saying "no," Barney reduced the emotion, maintained his composure, and bought himself a moment to evaluate his situation. In that moment, he took in as much visual feedback as possible. Part of that moment was spent as he checked to see if the engines were producing thrust. They were, and that visual confirmed his decision to the co-pilot. The status quo was maintained.
Negotiations are no different. In fact I argue that Barney was in one of the most critical negotiations of his life. The stakes could have been as high as life or death. It doesn't get much higher than that. The "no" was the perfect decision at the time for Barney and his crew. Let's look again at what this "no" did. First, the "no" decision calmed the emotion of the moment in both Barney and his crew. Notice it didn't shut the emotion down, but reduced it enough to allow Barney to evaluate the situation. Second, it gave the opportunity of a reload of vision to drive the next decision. With engines running, let's use them and get out of Dodge. Third, it allowed a clearer focus on the operation of the aircraft by the crew who saw clearly the plan to safety. So the next time you find yourself upside down in the dark with an adversary (respected opponent), encourage them to reject or say "no" to your thoughts and give them the opportunity to reduce their emotion, maintain the status quo and reevaluate the situation and adjust. Professional negotiators seek the no; they don't fear it.
1. The Edge Every Child Should Have